“The Lord by wisdom founded the earth;
by understanding he established the heavens;
by his knowledge the deeps broke open,
and the clouds drop down the dew.”
~~~Proverbs 3:19-20 (ESV)~~~
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Blessings!
Ultimately, just as the stander learns, the returning prodigal spouse comes to realize just what unconditional love is truly all about. Bob Steinkamp of Rejoice Marriage Ministries wrote of his attempts to “push her buttons”, that of his standing wife, Charlyne, in an attempt to provoke her to lash out at him. Was she really changing her ways? Or were these changes in her character simply more of her manipulative methods that Bob could use to justify his own selfish behaviors. In reality he was testing the waters to see if Charlyne truly had had the heart change he was beginning to notice.
To better understand a spouse who leaves the marriage, it has become common to compare them with the story of the prodigal son found in Luke 15:11-24 (GNV):
“He said moreover, A certain man had two sons, And the younger of them said to his father, Father, give me the portion of the goods that falleth to me. So he divided unto them his substance. So not many days after, when the younger son had gathered all together, he took his journey into a far country, and there he wasted his goods with riotous living.
Now when he had spent all, there arose a great dearth throughout that land, and he began to be in necessity. Then he went and clave to a citizen of that country, and he sent him to his farm, to feed swine. And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine ate: but no man gave them him.
Then he came to himself, and said, How many hired servants at my father’s have bread enough, and I die for hunger? I will rise and go to my father, and say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thine hired servants.
So he arose and came to his father, and when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck, and kissed him. And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, and am no more worthy to be called thy son.
Then the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet, And bring the fat calf, and kill him, and let us eat, and be merry: For this my son was dead, and is alive again: and he was lost, but he is found. And they began to be merry.”
If I remember correctly it was also Bob who spoke of the “Three C’s” of transformation evident in a prodigal spouse as they make their way back home. He explained the “Three C’s” of transformation were first that of being critical, followed by curious, and lastly that of being convicted.
Interestingly enough, the stander must first experience their own heartfelt and transformative stages as well. This is how unconditional love opens the door, welcoming home the prodigal spouse. This is how unconditional love changes everything.
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Blessings!
“Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?
‘My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.’
It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.
For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”
~~~Hebrews 12:3-11 (ESV)~~~
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Blessings!
“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.
But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”
~~~James 1:5-8 (ESV)~~~
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Blessings!
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”
~~~Hebrews 12:1-2 (ESV)~~~
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Blessings!
“I’m not on a quest for some kind of philosophical height. I don’t dread being unphilosophical. I dread, from my heart, being shrunk down in heart to the level where my heart’s capacities for happiness consist only in silly TV jingles and empty-headed slapstick. That’s what I fear. And in my life — this is why I’m commending it — it is seeing and savoring the all-pervasive providence of God that has protected me from the shrinking of my soul” John Piper.
“For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.”
~~~1 John 2:16-17 (ESV)~~~
“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.”
~~~Matthew 6:19-20 (ESV)~~~
“But as for you, O man of God, flee these things. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness.”
~~~1 Timothy 6:11 (ESV)~~~
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Blessings!
“Every word of God proves true;
he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.
Do not add to his words,
lest he rebuke you and you be found a liar.”
~~~Proverbs 30:5-6 (ESV)~~~
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Blessings!
“And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it,’ when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.”
~~~Isaiah 30:21 (ESV)~~~
Are you listening? Will you?
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Blessings!
Standing for marriage starts out in an extremely confusing state. Emotions are all over the place, heavy fog a continual companion. And those nearest and dearest can feel the stander’s pain, truly well meant intentions. The human nature in all of us wants nothing more than to end the pain, no matter the cost.
The more I leaned into my relationship with God, the more my emotions settled. And once I made my decision to stand for the healing and restoration of my marriage until my last breath, then and only then did I enter the most calming state of peace, knowing I had made the right decision. Yes, it would be difficult, yes, I would be misunderstood, yes, I would be thought dipsy, but such peace, such amazing peace.
Standing for my marriage has brought me in contact with so many people, Christian as well as non-Christian, offering a mixture of responses when I explain what I am doing and why. At times, what I have said has caused emotions to flare, my not realizing just how much my personal decision, my conviction has touched buried, yet raw nerves concerning their own.
At other times, I have been pulled aside by a person who has chosen to get on with their life, only to have them tell me just how much they regret walking away, wishing they had chosen to stand for their marriage. Sadly, I recall two women whose husbands did return to their marriages. One man’s life was taken by cancer while the other man’s life was taken by suicide. Guilt, remorse, shame,…are cruel and unforgiving taskmasters.
In just about every encounter, the other person has typically taken what I have said about my own situation and applied their own emotions surrounding their own situation. These are the times I have found I must very quickly point out that what I am saying is about my own decision, I am not judging their decisions concerning their lives. Thankfully they just as quickly relax their stance, conviction and condemnation are so closely related and yet so, so very different.
“If a man divorces his wife
and she goes from him
and becomes another man’s wife,
will he return to her?
Would not that land be greatly polluted?
You have played the whore with many lovers;
and would you return to me?
declares the Lord.”
~~~Jeremiah 3:1 (ESV)~~~
I find my thoughts returning to our wedding vows spoken with naive yet heartfelt conviction, “…to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, so help me God…” And I know I have made the right decision.
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Blessings!
“…there is no time for rest, there’s no time for sabbath, there’s no time for reflection. When we don’t have time for contemplation it will lead to exploitation. If we don’t give ourselves time to think, we will hurt others” Jarod A. Brock.
“And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest”
~~~Psalm 55:6 (KJV)~~~
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Blessings!
