BOOK REVIEWS

We Each Have a Story: Karen Evans’ “From Pain To Paradise: The Story of How God Transformed My Life & Marriage from Brokenness to Blessing”

May 13, 2020June 3, 2020 taylorjamesalbert

We each have a story to tell. Retelling our own story offers others hope as it gently reminds us of not just how far we’ve come, but of the grace of God for His gentle and continued guidance throughout our journey. And, as is often the case, our story is not just about us and us alone.

“From Pain to Paradise: The Story of How God Transformed My Life & Marriage from Brokenness to Blessing ” is Karen Evans’ story of healing, not just of her own identity but that of her marriage as well. Falling in love with the man of her dreams also meant she would be taking on his own well hidden identity issues. And so throughout her retelling, she weaves aspects of her husband’s own story of healing.

This is not a revengeful tell-all, but a story of redemption. And while Karen Evans spent time being very frustrated and angry she also knew just how deeply she loved her husband. But to love her husband as she desired, she would learn not only to first love God, but of His love for her.

I enjoy reading another person’s story of healing especially when it is told with complete transparency. Karen Evans does just this ever so naturally and honestly. It is not told from the perspective of a bitter wife as she intentionally exposes all her husband’s deep and dark secrets, but as a wife who dearly loves her husband.

While Karen doesn’t directly offer a list of do’s and don’t for a closer relationship with ones spouse, she so expertly offers wisdom applicable to any marriage. Her story is told from the perspective of a Christian woman who desires to find her true value in her relationship with God as she realizes this is also the key to her identity and marriage.

Karen has been married to Jimmy Evans for well over forty years. Together they are the founders of Marriage Today Ministries, where they not only offer help for marriages, but candidly share their struggles within their own marriage.

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Prodigals Do Come Home: Karen Wheaton’s “Watching The Road: Praying Your Prodigal Home”

May 13, 2020June 3, 2020 taylorjamesalbert

When I think of the term prodigal I envision a young man, on the verge of adulthood, who had become full of himself and unappreciative of what his father has provided. Yes, I think of the prodigal son found in the gospel of Luke, chapter fifteen. In short the son demanded his share of his father’s wealth only to very quickly end up penniless and destitute having wasted this wealth on riotous living. We are quick to view this sad situation from a financial standpoint, but obviously it was more character and morals issues at the root of it all. But alas, I digress.

Prodigals are not always frustrated teens bent on bucking their parents’ disciplined way of life, but are also wayward husbands and wives as well. Karen Wheaton’s book entitled “Watching The Road: Praying Your Prodigal Home” is a testament to just this. Yes, it is a story about her daughter, Lindsay Doss, who chose to walk away from Karen Wheaton and her family. It is also about Lindsay choosing to walk away from her marriage and children. It is a story about how Lindsay seemingly chose to walk away from everything she knew and everyone she loved.

“Watching The Road” is told from Karen Wheaton’s perspective as she searches for the truth, trusting God to not only return her daughter, Lindsay, to her, but to heal and restore Lindsay’s marriage and family. This is the story of a determined and devoted godly woman as she perseveres, refusing to give up. Karen Wheaton walks her reader through her journey of praying and interceding for her daughter’s return. Hidden throughout the pages are the secrets to having the kind of faith which not only endures but grows as it reveals not only the progression of a prodigal’s journey, but just how amazing God truly is to those He loves.

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When A Spouse Walks: Charlyne Steinkamp’s “The Spiritual Journey Toward A Healed Marriage”

May 7, 2020December 27, 2020 taylorjamesalbert

The most rewarding yet most challenging relationship one will ever experience is that of being in a monogamous relationship called marriage, especially being committed for life. Charlyne Steinkamp attests to this in her very down to earth book entitled “The Spiritual Journey Toward A Healed Marriage“. Remember the traditional “…to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part…” Christian wedding vows?

Fortunately yet unfortunately, many of us were so giddy in love as we committed to our spouse and to God, sweetly and assuredly, and naively reciting these vows on our wedding day. Fortunately we really had no idea what lay ahead. And, unfortunately, our vows would be tested.

Sadly, life happens. Sadly, we are tested. Do we have the courage to rise to the challenge? Do we take our vows seriously? Are we really committed, ’til death do us part? What do we do when our spouse chooses to walk away?

Whether a couple goes through difficult times remaining married or whether one or both want to call it quits, doesn’t matter. Marriage, even after divorce, can be restored. Charlyne Steinkamp from Rejoice Marriage Ministries speaks from experience.

In her book entitled “The Spiritual Journey Toward a Healed Marriage” Charlyne Steinkamp so revealingly points out how “The church is not able to be the ‘critical care unit’ for the wounded and broken hearts, because divorce is so rampant in the church”. Sadly, this certainly seems to be the case. Granted there are verses found in scripture which make allowance for divorce. And we seem all too quick to jump to the conclusion that divorce is the only option. But is it really the best solution?

Charlyne and Bob Steinkamp married as any young and in love couple hopefully does, much in love. Unfortunately, after twenty very difficult years of marriage and three young children, Charlyne received pastorial counsel and made the decision to divorce Bob. Fortunately, she very quickly realized she had made a horrible mistake.

Marriages can be restored and marriages can be saved, even after divorce, and it only takes one spouse to recommit to those wedding vows in order to do so. This book can very easily be used as a devotional as it includes scriptural references and suggested prayers, and even an occasional “Bobservation” from her husband to better understand the spouse who wants to call it quits. And most of all Charlyne Steinkamp not only reveals how to heal and restore your marriage not through manipulative tactics, but through your relationship with God.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” Ephesians 5:31-33 (ESV).

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Good Shame: Paul Hegstrom’s “Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them”

May 1, 2020December 18, 2020 taylorjamesalbert

Lately I have been spending a bit of time trying to come to terms with the definitions of guilt and shame and just exactly how they are different. In my recent post entitled “Shame” I mention in his book entitled “Angry Men and The Women Who Love Them” Paul Hegstrom states the difference between the two is that “Guilt is about your behavior. Shame is about you”. Shame attacks the person and damages the heart, often permanently.

Several years ago I remember reading a Parade Magazine article by Dr. Joyce Brothers entitled “Shame May Not Be So Bad After All” where she discussed the concepts of guilt and shame. Up until that point I really had not given either much thought. And, I would have to say I really thought they meant the same thing. Dr. Joyce Brothers pointed out how “Shame became an accepted way of making kids conform to society’s standards while ignoring the bad feelings it could inflict”.

We have all heard those horror stories of how a mean old teacher from days gone by purposely embarrassed a student in front of his classmates, causing public humiliation, thus assuring said behavior would not ever occur again. In her article Dr. Joyce Brothers made reference to probably the most famous and one of the most horrific experiences that could have happened. And certainly such tactics worked well, not only causing shame but fear in the fellow classmates, fear of the same humiliation should they be caught in a similar embarrassing situation in the near future.

She also pointed out “Shame seems to be even more powerful than guilt, though the two emotions are linked.” So what is the real difference between guilt and shame? Guilt is realizing “that you have done something wrong”. Okay, this makes sense. And shame then “is feeling that there’s something wrong about you.” And this is why using shame is damaging . Shame is meant to humiliate to emotionally control. Shame does not teach and instruct but destroys the self-esteem while creating fear.

Remember a major part of rearing children is that of instructing and disciplining in order to develop their character and behavior. I think guilt is a driving force behind character building and integrity, guilt is what properly handled punishment is all about. Guilt as Dr. Joyce Brothers pointed out is “Good Shame” as it “is an experience that is instructive”. In other words it is teaching a child to take responsibility, to feel responsible for their behavior, it encourages the person to want to do good and become a better person. It is to teach the child to be responsible for their behavior and how there are consequences when they are not. It encourages realizing the need to try harder to change for the better. Even as adults we need correcting and instruction as these are beneficial to our learning and growing and improving ourselves. Rules are an essential part of society to make life as fair as is possible for all involved.

The real difference between guilt and shame is that of not humiliating but lovingly uplifting and truly wanting to help improve the character of the person. It all comes down to the intentions, well meant or not. Good shame or guilt says hey, you can do better and let me help you understand how.

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BOOK REVIEWS

Shame: Paul Hegstrom’s “Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them”

May 1, 2020December 27, 2020 taylorjamesalbert

Maybe this issue of understanding the difference between shame and guilt is a much bigger problem than it was in my upbringing. I must say thank you to my grandparents and especially to my dad & mother for being such good parents. The longer I live life the more I am realizing just how fortunate I am in that I truly did have an emotionally loving and extremely stable upbringing. And I am realizing more and more just how devastating and difficult the struggle can be for others who did not.

Too, I have come to realize those with the deepest wounds are often the best at covering them up and pretending they have it all together, that others have problems and not them. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Truth be told, such individuals are in intense emotional pain and fear there is no hope, but there is, there really, really is. Taken from personal experience “Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical and Emotional Abuse” was written by Paul Hegstrom.

Paul Hegstrom states “Shame is a perception that locks me into a belief system that says, ‘I’m bad, I’m wrong, I’m no good.’ It comes out of a tendency toward perfectionism and leads to the expectation of rejection, rigidity, and despair. When I operate from a shame-based worldview, my value is buried under my dysfunctions, fears, anxieties, behaviors, mistakes, imperfections, rejections, feelings, powerlessness and sins. I am satisfied with nothing less than perfection. I live on a performance basis and place unrealistic expectations on my partner and those around me as well as myself. No matter what I do, I feel I’m never good enough. Shame and rage are interactive-where there is rage there is shame. Rage comes from helplessness. It hides shame. Rage keeps a person from being exposed. It is isolating and disconnecting”.

Forgive me for so heavily quoting the author, however I am hoping his words, carrying so much more value than my own, will effect a heart change in others, and if need be, in your heart as well.

I am in total agreement with Paul Hegstrom when he points out how an adult who was shamed as a child”…fears punishment, abandonment, and rejection. He…feels overly responsible for circumstances”. All the more this explains why these adults seem to try so hard, come up short, exhausted and angry so much of the time. And why they want to hope but fear hopelessness, why they live in pain and rage.

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