“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.”
~~~Isaiah 26:3-4 (ESV)~~~
“You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You. So trust in the Lord (commit yourself to Him, lean on Him, hope confidently in Him) forever; for the Lord God is an everlasting Rock [the Rock of Ages].”
Lately I have been spending a bit of time trying to come to terms with the definitions of guilt and shame and just exactly how they are different. In my recent post entitled “Shame” I mention in his book entitled “Angry Men and The Women Who Love Them” Paul Hegstrom states the difference between the two is that “Guilt is about your behavior. Shame is about you”. Shame attacks the person and damages the heart, often permanently.
Several years ago I remember reading a Parade Magazine article by Dr. Joyce Brothers entitled “Shame May Not Be So Bad After All” where she discussed the concepts of guilt and shame. Up until that point I really had not given either much thought. And, I would have to say I really thought they meant the same thing. Dr. Joyce Brothers pointed out how “Shame became an accepted way of making kids conform to society’s standards while ignoring the bad feelings it could inflict”.
We have all heard those horror stories of how a mean old teacher from days gone by purposely embarrassed a student in front of his classmates, causing public humiliation, thus assuring said behavior would not ever occur again. In her article Dr. Joyce Brothers made reference to probably the most famous and one of the most horrific experiences that could have happened. And certainly such tactics worked well, not only causing shame but fear in the fellow classmates, fear of the same humiliation should they be caught in a similar embarrassing situation in the near future.
She also pointed out “Shame seems to be even more powerful than guilt, though the two emotions are linked.” So what is the real difference between guilt and shame? Guilt is realizing “that you have done something wrong”. Okay, this makes sense. And shame then “is feeling that there’s something wrong about you.” And this is why using shame is damaging . Shame is meant to humiliate to emotionally control. Shame does not teach and instruct but destroys the self-esteem while creating fear.
Remember a major part of rearing children is that of instructing and disciplining in order to develop their character and behavior. I think guilt is a driving force behind character building and integrity, guilt is what properly handled punishment is all about. Guilt as Dr. Joyce Brothers pointed out is “Good Shame” as it “is an experience that is instructive”. In other words it is teaching a child to take responsibility, to feel responsible for their behavior, it encourages the person to want to do good and become a better person. It is to teach the child to be responsible for their behavior and how there are consequences when they are not. It encourages realizing the need to try harder to change for the better. Even as adults we need correcting and instruction as these are beneficial to our learning and growing and improving ourselves. Rules are an essential part of society to make life as fair as is possible for all involved.
The real difference between guilt and shame is that of not humiliating but lovingly uplifting and truly wanting to help improve the character of the person. It all comes down to the intentions, well meant or not. Good shame or guilt says hey, you can do better and let me help you understand how.
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I met my wonderful husband nearly thirty-eight years ago. Rereading letters my grandmother wrote to me while I was away at college makes it feel so fresh in my mind. Falling in love is amazing!
In one letter she writes “Then the most rewarding and most wonderful of all, in your last year of college-Darrin, comes into your life. I’m sure every girl dreams of just the ‘right man’ and I’m sure every mother, grandmother, and special friends also hope and pray for just the ‘right man’ to come into their special child’s life, special-as you girls have been to me-and I do thank God for Darrin in your life. You are both very special young people-When I got a letter that went something like this “Darrin has so many fine qualities-and none of the other guys I’ve dated can even compare to him!” I thought “I think this is it”-and then I came to know him-how wonderful it all is. God watches over and guides those He loves-you know”.
She continues “I’m sure there are many girls in the world who wish they had what you have-Nothing is more wonderful in a woman’s life than knowing she has the love and respect of a fine man-May sound queer for an old woman of seventy-four to say, but that I believe and know from experience; my mother always said a woman who was not “what she should be” had ruined the life of many a man. And I am happy in the fact that you do love and respect Darrin so much and that is good! He is what I call a “Christian Gentleman” and that covers about everything, and you are a beautiful girl, I mean character, habits, thoughts, etc.,…I am so proud of both of you-you both seem mature which is a quality I like”.
What more can I say? My husband is the most amazing and wonderful man I know. And I agree with my grandmother referring to him as being a “Christian Gentleman”. A fine man indeed!
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Each of us has problems to deal with. This is life. The real question is how do we deal with these problems? How we deal with them determines the quality of our life.
Though I can’t say I recall ever hearing my deceased mother-in-law having said this, but my husband has said she had said “life is just a series of problems to be solved.” This statement does sound like her.
The phrase “bitter or better” is such an accurate description of how effectively we use our problems in life. We can choose to learn from these problems and navigate through them much easier than the alternative. If we choose to be bitter about having problems in our life, then navigating through them becomes more of a struggle.
Life is about living and living is full of learning opportunities. I have always used the phrase “stepping stones” to describe how I see life and the opportunities it offers. Every person, every book, every situation is full of opportunity to use all our senses to experience life. It’s a moment by moment decision how we choose to experience life.
It’s about choosing to be happy or unhappy, full of life or full of death, eager to grow or anxious to die; it’s about your cup being half full or half empty. And it’s also a choice between good and evil, and ultimately trusting God or not.
As Nick Vujicic so famously has stated “Your attitude determines your altitude”. In essence our negativity fuels more negativity or our positive outlook creates more positive outlook.
The real question is why anyone would want to be negative, living in doubt, in bitterness, without hope. Why would anyone want to waste their life on just surviving and fighting their way through the problems of life when there is such an amazing alternative? Life is just too short to be wasted.
I am also not advocating living a selfish, glutinous life of over indulging in all the amazing and wonderful things life does have to offer. More importantly I am certainly not advocating tossing aside ones moral compass and going off the deep end, choosing to live a life void of common decency, honorable character, and morality.
Some people spend their whole live running. They run from anything they cannot control, they run from anything they don’t like, they run whenever their lies have begun to catch up with them, they run whenever they are feeling bored, and they run when genuine intimacy and true love are reaching out to them.
The point is, it’s a choice how each of us views life and ultimately how we live it. Bitter definitely in not the way to go. Better opens up the door to unlimited possibilities. Better definitely is better!
“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us….but God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” Romans 5:1-5, 8 (ESV).
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