Do you remember what you dreamt of becoming when you grew up? While I went to college to become a school teacher, I fell in love with words after finally learning to read in the third grade. Yes, I will forever be grateful to those saintly elementary school teachers: Mrs. Mikus, Mrs. Day, Mrs. King, Miss Roosa, and Mrs. Thomas, who had such patience, believing I would eventually catch on.
Fast-forward just a few years as I continue to develop my craft through this website. While I definitely need my treasured technical assistant, I am honored God is allowing me to use my writing to encourage others in their relationship with the Lord.
And while my website may currently seem to be little more than a blog filled with posts, I view it as the beginning stages of a ministry filled with dreams and visions, with plans to develop into so, so much more, all for the glory of God.
I so appreciate you, my dear readers, for not only reading what I write, but taking the time to comment. “Buy Me a Coffee” is simply another way to express your appreciation for the encouragement, insight, and wisdom I am blessed by God to share. So consider buying me a cup of coffee, or two or three, and become a supporter of something way bigger than all of us. I am already most grateful!
Lately I have been spending a bit of time trying to come to terms with the definitions of guilt and shame and just exactly how they are different. In my recent post entitled “Shame” I mention in his book entitled “Angry Men and The Women Who Love Them” Paul Hegstrom states the difference between the two is that “Guilt is about your behavior. Shame is about you”. Shame attacks the person and damages the heart, often permanently.
Several years ago I remember reading a Parade Magazine article by Dr. Joyce Brothers entitled “Shame May Not Be So Bad After All” where she discussed the concepts of guilt and shame. Up until that point I really had not given either much thought. And, I would have to say I really thought they meant the same thing. Dr. Joyce Brothers pointed out how “Shame became an accepted way of making kids conform to society’s standards while ignoring the bad feelings it could inflict”.
We have all heard those horror stories of how a mean old teacher from days gone by purposely embarrassed a student in front of his classmates, causing public humiliation, thus assuring said behavior would not ever occur again. In her article Dr. Joyce Brothers made reference to probably the most famous and one of the most horrific experiences that could have happened. And certainly such tactics worked well, not only causing shame but fear in the fellow classmates, fear of the same humiliation should they be caught in a similar embarrassing situation in the near future.
She also pointed out “Shame seems to be even more powerful than guilt, though the two emotions are linked.” So what is the real difference between guilt and shame? Guilt is realizing “that you have done something wrong”. Okay, this makes sense. And shame then “is feeling that there’s something wrong about you.” And this is why using shame is damaging . Shame is meant to humiliate to emotionally control. Shame does not teach and instruct but destroys the self-esteem while creating fear.
Remember a major part of rearing children is that of instructing and disciplining in order to develop their character and behavior. I think guilt is a driving force behind character building and integrity, guilt is what properly handled punishment is all about. Guilt as Dr. Joyce Brothers pointed out is “Good Shame” as it “is an experience that is instructive”. In other words it is teaching a child to take responsibility, to feel responsible for their behavior, it encourages the person to want to do good and become a better person. It is to teach the child to be responsible for their behavior and how there are consequences when they are not. It encourages realizing the need to try harder to change for the better. Even as adults we need correcting and instruction as these are beneficial to our learning and growing and improving ourselves. Rules are an essential part of society to make life as fair as is possible for all involved.
The real difference between guilt and shame is that of not humiliating but lovingly uplifting and truly wanting to help improve the character of the person. It all comes down to the intentions, well meant or not. Good shame or guilt says hey, you can do better and let me help you understand how.
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Being a mother of young adult sons brings many opportunities to share wisdom gathered over the years. I recall my mother-in-law often pointing out how one doesn’t change the management. Our son is now in a managerial position. With this position has come more responsibility as well as frustration. And with this he has come to remember his own dreams and aspirations, none of which have anything to do with being in a managerial position. He is an extremely talented young artist with the gift of creativity. How did I encourage him?
“…do your research and give more thought to developing your ideas, your business plan so to speak. Don’t burn any bridges, lay low, don’t make waves, bide your time while you focus on you and your goals. Let your experience and time spent while in this managerial position serve its purposes for you. No experience in life is ever wasted and will serve a purpose in your future, guaranteed! This is how one acquires wisdom. Focusing on your passions guides you in discovering your God-given purposes.”
“Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.” James 3:13-18 (ESV).
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