Bob Steinkamp of Rejoice Marriage Ministries “May I borrow from Charlyne’s style today and ask you a question? What do prodigals want? No, not why do prodigals leave home, because we all know that answer. Husbands and wives walk out on their mates and on their children because of an attack from the enemy. Drugs, sex, and alcohol are not “why” prodigals leave, but “how” they leave. You and I both know how temporal those pleasures can be, and so does every prodigal spouse. We make that discovery the hard way; by experience, often at the cost of family, career, health and happiness”.
“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world”.
~~~1 Peter 5:8-9 (ESV)~~~
“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you”.
“The foremost question on the heart of any prodigal who ever gives thought to returning home is a simple one; ‘What’s different now?’ It does not matter if you are separated because of adultery, abuse, alcoholism, or any of the rest of the alphabet of causes, your spouse wants to know what has changed so that this nightmare will not repeat itself” Bob Steinkamp.
Granted most standing spouses are not to blame for their prodigal leaving the marriage, yet anyone who has chosen to stand for their marriage to be restored does come to the point where they also begin to take responsibility for their part in the marital issues.
While none of us initially realize we have our own issues which must be addressed, Rejoice Marriage Ministries compares the spouse who seemingly has chosen to walk away from their marriage with the parable told by Jesus of the prodigal son.
“And he said, A certain man had two sons: And the younger of them said to his father, Father, give me the portion of goods that falleth to me. And he divided unto them his living. And not many days after the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living. And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land; and he began to be in want. And he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country; and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him.
And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants. And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son. But the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet: And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry: For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry.
Now his elder son was in the field: and as he came and drew nigh to the house, he heard musick and dancing. And he called one of the servants, and asked what these things meant. And he said unto him, Thy brother is come; and thy father hath killed the fatted calf, because he hath received him safe and sound. And he was angry, and would not go in: therefore came his father out, and intreated him. And he answering said to his father, Lo, these many years do I serve thee, neither transgressed I at any time thy commandment: and yet thou never gavest me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends: But as soon as this thy son was come, which hath devoured thy living with harlots, thou hast killed for him the fatted calf. And he said unto him, Son, thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine. It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found.”
Ultimately, just as the stander learns, the returning prodigal spouse comes to realize just what unconditional love is truly all about. Bob Steinkamp of Rejoice Marriage Ministries wrote of his attempts to “push her buttons”, that of his standing wife, Charlyne, in an attempt to provoke her to lash out at him. Was she really changing her ways? Or were these changes in her character simply more of her manipulative methods that Bob could use to justify his own selfish behaviors. In reality he was testing the waters to see if Charlyne truly had had the heart change he was beginning to notice.
To better understand a spouse who leaves the marriage, it has become common to compare them with the story of the prodigal son found in Luke 15:11-24 (GNV):
“He said moreover, A certain man had two sons, And the younger of them said to his father, Father, give me the portion of the goods that falleth to me. So he divided unto them his substance. So not many days after, when the younger son had gathered all together, he took his journey into a far country, and there he wasted his goods with riotous living.
Now when he had spent all, there arose a great dearth throughout that land, and he began to be in necessity. Then he went and clave to a citizen of that country, and he sent him to his farm, to feed swine. And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine ate: but no man gave them him.
Then he came to himself, and said, How many hired servants at my father’s have bread enough, and I die for hunger? I will rise and go to my father, and say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thine hired servants.
So he arose and came to his father, and when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck, and kissed him. And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, and am no more worthy to be called thy son.
Then the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet, And bring the fat calf, and kill him, and let us eat, and be merry: For this my son was dead, and is alive again: and he was lost, but he is found. And they began to be merry.”
If I remember correctly it was also Bob who spoke of the “Three C’s” of transformation evident in a prodigal spouse as they make their way back home. He explained the “Three C’s” of transformation were first that of being critical, followed by curious, and lastly that of being convicted.
Interestingly enough, the stander must first experience their own heartfelt and transformative stages as well. This is how unconditional love opens the door, welcoming home the prodigal spouse. This is how unconditional love changes everything.
Standing for marriage can often be a very misunderstood concept, especially by those closest to the stander,…and especially by the stander’s wayward spouse. Take heart. It’s okay.
“For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.”
~~~Malachi 2:16 (ESV)~~~
Bob Steinkamp knew first hand what it meant to be considered a wayward or prodigal spouse. After years of marriage cloud covered by Bob’s unfaithfulness, camouflaged by his anger, Charlyne took counsel and divorced her husband and father of their three children. Only by the grace of God did she very quickly come to repent of her mistake. Yes, mistake.
“…with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”
~~~Ephesians 4:2-3 (ESV)~~~
Rejoice Marriage Ministries was birthed from Bob & Charlyne’s marital chaos which thankfully resulted in their remarrying and rediscovering what marriage is truly all about.
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.”
“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” Galatians 6:2 (ESV)
On this roller coaster ride called life, our emotions can sometimes get very messy. We find ourselves wishing for someone to listen to us as we untangle our thoughts. Family and friends may mean well, but do we really want to share our deepest emotions with those closest to us? These are the times we need someone who will listen without judging and interpret without being opinionated, a sounding board, a sage, a wise soul, an imaginary friend, someone who we can trust: a Confidential Encourager.
While I am thankful I have a college education, much of the wisdom I have learned has come not from within the classroom, but from life itself. With motherhood and thirty-plus years of marriage, and a growing relationship with my Lord and Savior, I have learned so much about emotions, relationships, and how marriage and family best function.
So while you may think of me as a coach, a mentor, an older sister,…I have been blessed with a listening ear and prefer to be called a “Confidential Encourager”, offering a safe place to talk as well as be encouraged by my insight.
If you have found this post to be of interest and would like to read more of what I have written, please feel free to view other posts on my blog. I am also in the midst of writing a book for people who are struggling in their marriage or are dealing with the after effects of their marital issues.
God has taken me on the most amazing wilderness journey for which I will be eternally grateful. So, while we excitedly await the publication of my standing for marriage book, please pray for its completion and the opportunity to share it with as many hearts as is possible.
In the meantime, let’s chat. You share and I’ll listen. For a complimentary Tea Time please email me: taylorjamesalbert@aol.com. I look forward to hearing from you!
Photo Credit: Izabelle Acheson
Hope you enjoyed reading this post and will consider sharing your thoughts, following me on social media and subscribing to my blog.
