Regrets

Standing for marriage starts out in an extremely confusing state. Emotions are all over the place, heavy fog a continual companion. And those nearest and dearest can feel the stander’s pain, truly well meant intentions. The human nature in all of us wants nothing more than to end the pain, no matter the cost.

The more I leaned into my relationship with God, the more my emotions settled. And once I made my decision to stand for the healing and restoration of my marriage until my last breath, then and only then did I enter the most calming state of peace, knowing I had made the right decision. Yes, it would be difficult, yes, I would be misunderstood, yes, I would be thought dipsy, but such peace, such amazing peace.

Standing for my marriage has brought me in contact with so many people, Christian as well as non-Christian, offering a mixture of responses when I explain what I am doing and why. At times, what I have said has caused emotions to flare, my not realizing just how much my personal decision, my conviction has touched buried, yet raw nerves concerning their own.

At other times, I have been pulled aside by a person who has chosen to get on with their life, only to have them tell me just how much they regret walking away, wishing they had chosen to stand for their marriage. Sadly, I recall two women whose husbands did return to their marriages. One man’s life was taken by cancer while the other man’s life was taken by suicide. Guilt, remorse, shame,…are cruel and unforgiving taskmasters.

In just about every encounter, the other person has typically taken what I have said about my own situation and applied their own emotions surrounding their own situation. These are the times I have found I must very quickly point out that what I am saying is about my own decision, I am not judging their decisions concerning their lives. Thankfully they just as quickly relax their stance, conviction and condemnation are so closely related and yet so, so very different.

“If a man divorces his wife
    and she goes from him
and becomes another man’s wife,
    will he return to her?
Would not that land be greatly polluted?
You have played the whore with many lovers;
    and would you return to me?
declares the Lord.”

~~~Jeremiah 3:1 (ESV)~~~

I find my thoughts returning to our wedding vows spoken with naive yet heartfelt conviction, “…to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, so help me God…” And I know I have made the right decision.

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Blessings!

I realize there is a dry humored and extremely funny British sitcom called “Waiting For God” which aired in the early nineties. Of course it is about those who are in their retirement years, making the best of it as they wait for God to grant them their final rest. Recently I have discovered we need to wait for God, but in another way.

Our world is bent on taking advantage of every second of every hour, filling it with what we consider to be productive activities. Our goal seems to be somewhat like a race. This race we gradually entered as teens, then college preparation, then hitting it hard climbing the ladder of success. Success being a nice home and other acquired possessions, marriage and family, position in our choice of career,…and of course the financial means necessary to have all of this and more. How do we do this? By what we consider to be productive activities.

At the end of this race we hope to have acquired everything and more. At the end of this race we enter the retirement years. At the end of this race we celebrate this monumental milestone, but only for a moment. We very quickly begin to reflect. Where did time go? Was it all worth it? What about the regrets, the sacrifices and fallout, the wrong decisions,…the emptiness.

Not for one second am I saying we should not be productive and have proof of our productivity. Each and every one of us has specific God-given purposes and have been given specific gifts and passions with which to fulfill our purposes in life. But maybe, just maybe we should slow down a bit, pace ourselves throughout this race, and wait for God to guide us along the way. And maybe, just maybe, during those quiet contemplative moments with God we come to realize what’s really important. In doing so we still are able to attain the good life we desired, but without the need to fill every second of every hour with ‘productive activity’ followed by making peace with our past regrets.

Instead we slow down, “smell the roses”, we take the time to look up and grasp the awesomeness of God’s creation. We notice the twinkle in our child’s eye for the first time in a long time. We really feel the love of our spouse and our heart begins to swell. And then we begin to relax a bit. We begin to desire subtle changes in how we think and how we behave. We promise ourselves to not waste another second of our time on empty and hollow pursuits. We come to realize relationships with those closest to us have now become our priority once and for all. And we relish our quiet moments of waiting for God.