Guilt

“He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned” Mark 16:16 (KJV).

While I was saved and baptized as a young teenager and loved the Lord, I was just busy getting on with my life, dreaming of the future, college, marriage and family,…I read my Bible, I attended church, prayed and naturally wove the topic of my faith into my conversations and life choices, I truly did believe, but…

“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” Ephesians 6:4 (KJV).

During the summer after high school graduation I worked at the little local Carnegie Library. At noon I would walk a couple doors down and eat lunch with my grandparents. Thankfully they always made a point to challenge my thinking. This particular day I had made a bold statement about having my own faith and convictions. I remember his smile and her chuckle. And then my grandmother explaining how I had been living my parents’ faith and convictions. How, now entering the adult world and especially that of going away to college, my faith and convictions would be tested as I developed my own.

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” Proverbs 22:6 (KJV).

Leaving our little “Mayberry” and entering the world of academia, my college educated and God loving grandmother was obviously correct. It wasn’t that I doubted her and of course, I definitely trusted her, it was that I just didn’t have a clue, as she herself knew, and as I was beginning to understand.

“Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded” James 4:8 (KJV).

As I initially felt engulfed by all that this new world had to offer, I stayed true to my parents’ faith and convictions. I felt engulfed because I had left the protected and safe world where I honestly had never really dealt with dishonesty, where all the adults could be trusted and truly did care about my well being. While I would end up having college professors who were Christians, I also experienced like a deer in the headlights, professors who introduced me to a very foreign way of thinking. One atheist professor’s agenda was to destroy my faith in God. Yes, I was a (naive) Josh Wheaton being angrily challenged by my own Professor Radisson.

“Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee” Deuteronomy 31:6 (KJV).

Did I waffle? Yes. Did I doubt my faith in God? No, but I did waffle a bit. How? I did question my wholesome upbringing by becoming curious about decisions my college friends were making, seemingly oblivious to the consequences for their actions. I mean, I was an adult now. Wasn’t I mature enough and wise enough to dabble in some of the same choices as my free-er thinking college friends?

“Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever” 1 John 2:15-17 (KJV).

I did feel a mixture of emotions, guilt, shame, even regret for some of my own choices. I couldn’t understand what the difference was between others and their choices and me and my choices. How did they seem to not bear the weight of their own choices? Why weren’t they losing sleep and losing themselves?

“There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit” Romans 8:1 (KJV).

It would be years of feeling guilt, regret, self-condemnation and shame as I felt the burden of carrying the responsibility of my poor decisions. I just couldn’t seem to give myself grace. Did I doubt what Jesus had done for me?

“But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” Romans 5:8 (KJV).

I remember the moment the truth became crystal clear. It was not that I had abandoned my faith during my college days, despite for what I felt condemnation. I was wrong! It was not condemnation, but conviction I felt!! God had never left me, He had been there with me all along. He had gently whispered into my ears the truth, guiding it down into my heart. Freedom is a wonderful thing. I am loved by Him for who I am and not my poor choices. I am loved by Him because I am me.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” Matthew 11:28 (ESV).

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Good Shame: Paul Hegstrom’s “Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them”

May 1, 2020December 18, 2020 taylorjamesalbert

Lately I have been spending a bit of time trying to come to terms with the definitions of guilt and shame and just exactly how they are different. In my recent post entitled “Shame” I mention in his book entitled “Angry Men and The Women Who Love Them” Paul Hegstrom states the difference between the two is that “Guilt is about your behavior. Shame is about you”. Shame attacks the person and damages the heart, often permanently.

Several years ago I remember reading a Parade Magazine article by Dr. Joyce Brothers entitled “Shame May Not Be So Bad After All” where she discussed the concepts of guilt and shame. Up until that point I really had not given either much thought. And, I would have to say I really thought they meant the same thing. Dr. Joyce Brothers pointed out how “Shame became an accepted way of making kids conform to society’s standards while ignoring the bad feelings it could inflict”.

We have all heard those horror stories of how a mean old teacher from days gone by purposely embarrassed a student in front of his classmates, causing public humiliation, thus assuring said behavior would not ever occur again. In her article Dr. Joyce Brothers made reference to probably the most famous and one of the most horrific experiences that could have happened. And certainly such tactics worked well, not only causing shame but fear in the fellow classmates, fear of the same humiliation should they be caught in a similar embarrassing situation in the near future.

She also pointed out “Shame seems to be even more powerful than guilt, though the two emotions are linked.” So what is the real difference between guilt and shame? Guilt is realizing “that you have done something wrong”. Okay, this makes sense. And shame then “is feeling that there’s something wrong about you.” And this is why using shame is damaging . Shame is meant to humiliate to emotionally control. Shame does not teach and instruct but destroys the self-esteem while creating fear.

Remember a major part of rearing children is that of instructing and disciplining in order to develop their character and behavior. I think guilt is a driving force behind character building and integrity, guilt is what properly handled punishment is all about. Guilt as Dr. Joyce Brothers pointed out is “Good Shame” as it “is an experience that is instructive”. In other words it is teaching a child to take responsibility, to feel responsible for their behavior, it encourages the person to want to do good and become a better person. It is to teach the child to be responsible for their behavior and how there are consequences when they are not. It encourages realizing the need to try harder to change for the better. Even as adults we need correcting and instruction as these are beneficial to our learning and growing and improving ourselves. Rules are an essential part of society to make life as fair as is possible for all involved.

The real difference between guilt and shame is that of not humiliating but lovingly uplifting and truly wanting to help improve the character of the person. It all comes down to the intentions, well meant or not. Good shame or guilt says hey, you can do better and let me help you understand how.

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Shame: Paul Hegstrom’s “Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them”

May 1, 2020December 27, 2020 taylorjamesalbert

Maybe this issue of understanding the difference between shame and guilt is a much bigger problem than it was in my upbringing. I must say thank you to my grandparents and especially to my dad & mother for being such good parents. The longer I live life the more I am realizing just how fortunate I am in that I truly did have an emotionally loving and extremely stable upbringing. And I am realizing more and more just how devastating and difficult the struggle can be for others who did not.

Too, I have come to realize those with the deepest wounds are often the best at covering them up and pretending they have it all together, that others have problems and not them. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Truth be told, such individuals are in intense emotional pain and fear there is no hope, but there is, there really, really is. Taken from personal experience “Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical and Emotional Abuse” was written by Paul Hegstrom.

Paul Hegstrom states “Shame is a perception that locks me into a belief system that says, ‘I’m bad, I’m wrong, I’m no good.’ It comes out of a tendency toward perfectionism and leads to the expectation of rejection, rigidity, and despair. When I operate from a shame-based worldview, my value is buried under my dysfunctions, fears, anxieties, behaviors, mistakes, imperfections, rejections, feelings, powerlessness and sins. I am satisfied with nothing less than perfection. I live on a performance basis and place unrealistic expectations on my partner and those around me as well as myself. No matter what I do, I feel I’m never good enough. Shame and rage are interactive-where there is rage there is shame. Rage comes from helplessness. It hides shame. Rage keeps a person from being exposed. It is isolating and disconnecting”.

Forgive me for so heavily quoting the author, however I am hoping his words, carrying so much more value than my own, will effect a heart change in others, and if need be, in your heart as well.

I am in total agreement with Paul Hegstrom when he points out how an adult who was shamed as a child”…fears punishment, abandonment, and rejection. He…feels overly responsible for circumstances”. All the more this explains why these adults seem to try so hard, come up short, exhausted and angry so much of the time. And why they want to hope but fear hopelessness, why they live in pain and rage.