Marital Problems

Yes, I definitely think it is important to get ‘counseling’ when dealing with marital issues, during and after, but not marriage counseling necessarily, and certainly not divorce recovery. A couple preparing to walk down the aisle together most certainly should experience intensive marriage counseling, the kind that teaches you all about each other as well as God’s plan and purpose for marriage. And, should red flag issues become apparent during marriage counseling, be prayerfully and boldly willing to make the decision to NOT get married. Despite the fact I have shared my standing with different counselors, even preachers and devoted Christian friends, I must admit I continued to struggle to find a perfect fit, a genuine Confidential Encourager. I longed to find someone who:

I could afford

was a good listener

offered valuable insight

knew how to ask thought provoking questions

I felt I could trust

was a devoted Christian

understood the difference between a relationship with God vs being religious

understood the concept of standing

understood prodigals are not just repentant sons

had been married to the same person for many years

encouraged standing vs divorce recovery

focused on God’s perspective of marriage

didn’t use all the psycho babble terms

honestly believed in marriage for life

believed not just in putting our requests before God, but who understood the power behind not just praying, but praying and believing with thanksgiving.

“…do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:6-7 (ESV).

I longed to find a Confidential Encourager who believed in the sanctity of a God-ordained covenant marriage.

If I can offer my Confidential Encourager insight into your marital concerns, please feel free to email me: taylorjamesalbert@aol.com for a complimentary consultation.

Hope you enjoyed reading this post and will consider sharing your thoughts, following me on social media and subscribing to my blog.

My efforts to work on my ‘fixing’ as Mort Fertel, Marriage Fitness expert, likes to call it, has been rewarding to say the least. There are no shortcuts to a healthy marriage. Those three-easy-steps methods will not do it, certainly not long term anyway. However, it only takes one spouse to make this decision, to stay focused and committed, to believe and dream of the future.

As Mort Fertel has pointed out, it is not a spouse choosing to have an affair that causes marital problems, but it is marital problems which lead a spouse to have an affair. And as Mort also points out, marital problems don’t just all of a sudden happen, but have been brewing for many, many years. Certainly we had the typical relationship issues to figure out as any young couple does. And it is absolutely staggering, all the crazy stuff we have survived during our thirty plus years of marriage. An affair is just one more of those crazy things to work through together.

My initial efforts to work on myself and our marriage led my husband to understandably think I had a selfish plan. Lots of things had been said, misunderstood and repeated. Despite our dysfunctional marriage and family issues, I love my husband and would never leave him. However, all my initial crazymaking attempts to fix our marriage (translation; fix my husband) only led him to fear my rejection.

Despite my husband being the man of my dreams I certainly was not honoring and respecting him as I knew I should. I was no longer the independent college girl who he fell in love with. I wasn’t fun to be with anymore. No, this was not what either of us signed up for when we fell in love and married, dreaming of a life together. And this is exactly why I made the decision to not only work on my “fixing” but to work on healing our marriage.

Why, being so madly in love did we gradually get to where we couldn’t relate, couldn’t really connect anymore? Nothing is right in a person’s world, no matter how much money in the bank, no matter how healthy, no matter how many friends, no matter what, if the most important relationship is not what it should be. Again, I must give Mort credit for this powerfully accurate thought.

So what, an affair is part of our story. Some people go through several affairs before they decide to get off the merry-go-round of rebound relationships and get on home where they know they belong. While I am praying my husband’s affair has ended, I am also preparing for his return. I have no reason to ask details surrounding his time away, only what he feels convicted to share with me. Too many details about his affair will only leave haunting images that serve no productive purpose. Again, thank you, Mort, for teaching us this.

I choose to view my husband’s affair as a major warning sign he was hurting even more than I realized and we were in deeper trouble than what most of those fix-yourself-relationship books could handle (Christian or otherwise). I choose to dig deeper, to work on my own fixing. I choose to forgive and ask forgiveness.

And, I choose to continue to be thankful for my husband who, after all these years, has finally been able to speak out and admit he too is a very emotionally caring person, he too has a very tender heart. What’s not to love about a man such as my husband who is brave enough to admit he is a real man, emotions and all.