MARRIAGE STANDING

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” Genesis 2:24-25 (ESV).

Ah, so you have fallen in love and simply cannot live without each other. Wonderful! What a grand celebration the wedding. Before God, family and friends, with glazed over eyes you and the love of your life commit to love, honor, cherish,…’til death do you part. But do you really mean it?

Being married is so much more than just a grand celebration and honeymoon. Being married is a commitment to forsake all others, even self, putting your spouse’s needs at the top of your priority list for the rest of your life. As you exchanged rings, sealing your commitment with a kiss, with God, family and friends as your witnesses, those vows were not a contractual agreement, but thankfully a covenant, a covenant for life.

Contractual agreements are strictly business agreements. These signed documents are a quiet yet loud way of saying we will, if we deem necessary, pursue our legal options against each other. In truth, the bottom line reasoning behind a contractual business agreement is monetary. In bygone days a handshake was sufficient to create a contractual agreement between business partners to indicate our spoken words would be kept. Just as a side note, reading chapter four of the book of Ruth, in order for Boaz to buy all that belonged to Naomi as well as take Ruth as his wife, in front of witnesses the kinsman-redeemer (with first right of refusal) took off his sandal, giving it to Boaz. Unfortunately, a trusted handshake is somehow no longer adequate, any more than the exchanging of sandals.

Sadly, too often our wedding vows have been reduced to nothing more than a contractual agreement with the prenuptial agreement escape clause attached. And, even if there isn’t a premarital agreement, we have reduced our commitment to either the option of staying within the marriage in name only, to seeking the legal escape of filing for divorce. Why? Didn’t we mean what we said? Didn’t we take seriously the responsibility of unconditionally loving our spouse, committing to each other and to God, to keep what’s between us and God between us and God? Didn’t we understand what our vows truly meant?

Not for a second am I saying marriage is easy any more than I would say life is always easy. Whether marriage and life are easy or not, is simply not the point. Truth be told, should your marriage be easy, very likely you and your spouse are missing out on the wonderful opportunities only discovered when the couple navigates through not just the good times, but especially the difficult times of life together. This is what a committed covenant marriage is about and how, over the course of a lifetime, it is created. No other relationship exists which can compare, ever.

While we may not truly grasp the depth of our commitment as we lovingly and naively yet sincerely recite our wedding vows, it is this commitment which allows a deep trust, knowing we will never turn our backs on each other despite the unknown future which most certainly lies ahead. This is what wedding vows are all about and how marital bliss develops. This is the deep peace which can only be discovered by those who truly are committed to loving the most important person in their life, ’til death do we part. This is true love and this is wedded bliss.

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CONFIDENTIAL ENCOURAGER, MARRIAGE STANDING

My Standing for Marriage Search for a Confidential Encourager

September 13, 2020September 16, 2020 taylorjamesalbert

Yes, I definitely think it is important to get ‘counseling’ when dealing with marital issues, during and after, but not marriage counseling necessarily, and certainly not divorce recovery. A couple preparing to walk down the aisle together most certainly should experience intensive marriage counseling, the kind that teaches you all about each other as well as God’s plan and purpose for marriage. And, should red flag issues become apparent during marriage counseling, be prayerfully and boldly willing to make the decision to NOT get married. Despite the fact I have shared my standing with different counselors, even preachers and devoted Christian friends, I must admit I continued to struggle to find a perfect fit, a genuine Confidential Encourager. I longed to find someone who:

I could afford

was a good listener

offered valuable insight

knew how to ask thought provoking questions

I felt I could trust

was a devoted Christian

understood the difference between a relationship with God vs being religious

understood the concept of standing

understood prodigals are not just repentant sons

had been married to the same person for many years

encouraged standing vs divorce recovery

focused on God’s perspective of marriage

didn’t use all the psycho babble terms

honestly believed in marriage for life

believed not just in putting our requests before God, but who understood the power behind not just praying, but praying and believing with thanksgiving.

“…do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:6-7 (ESV).

I longed to find a Confidential Encourager who believed in the sanctity of a God-ordained covenant marriage.

If I can offer my Confidential Encourager insight into your marital concerns, please feel free to email me: taylorjamesalbert@aol.com for a complimentary consultation.

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JUST A SIP, MARRIAGE STANDING

Trusting Your Prodigal Spouse Again?

September 13, 2020September 13, 2020 taylorjamesalbert

“Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not turn to the proud, to those who go astray after a lie!” Psalm 40:4 (ESV).

“Once your prodigal has had their heart broken by the realization of what they have done, several things will start happening. None are instant, but they will happen. Foremost is the establishment of a forgiven relationship with the Lord.”

“Your returned prodigal will also come to respect the stand you had taken. If your walk matches your talk, and we pray that it does, time and time again, and without any help from you, your beloved will come face to face with the sacrifice you made for them.”

“As your spouse grows in the Lord, recovering from where they have been and what has happened, your trust will come back.”

“If you are a stander, I want to give you the prodigal’s perspective on trust. Regardless of what your prodigal is doing or saying, the one you love still wants to know they can trust you now, divorce or no divorce.”

“Standing and trusting are processes.”

“Do things His way and He will teach you how to trust again.”

“Can I Ever Trust Them Again?” Bob Steinkamp Rejoice Marriage Ministries (Tuesday, June 23, 2020 devotional).

BOOK REVIEWS, INSPIRATIONAL, MARRIAGE STANDING

When A Spouse Walks: Charlyne Steinkamp’s “The Spiritual Journey Toward A Healed Marriage”

May 7, 2020December 27, 2020 taylorjamesalbert

The most rewarding yet most challenging relationship one will ever experience is that of being in a monogamous relationship called marriage, especially being committed for life. Charlyne Steinkamp attests to this in her very down to earth book entitled “The Spiritual Journey Toward A Healed Marriage“. Remember the traditional “…to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part…” Christian wedding vows?

Fortunately yet unfortunately, many of us were so giddy in love as we committed to our spouse and to God, sweetly and assuredly, and naively reciting these vows on our wedding day. Fortunately we really had no idea what lay ahead. And, unfortunately, our vows would be tested.

Sadly, life happens. Sadly, we are tested. Do we have the courage to rise to the challenge? Do we take our vows seriously? Are we really committed, ’til death do us part? What do we do when our spouse chooses to walk away?

Whether a couple goes through difficult times remaining married or whether one or both want to call it quits, doesn’t matter. Marriage, even after divorce, can be restored. Charlyne Steinkamp from Rejoice Marriage Ministries speaks from experience.

In her book entitled “The Spiritual Journey Toward a Healed Marriage” Charlyne Steinkamp so revealingly points out how “The church is not able to be the ‘critical care unit’ for the wounded and broken hearts, because divorce is so rampant in the church”. Sadly, this certainly seems to be the case. Granted there are verses found in scripture which make allowance for divorce. And we seem all too quick to jump to the conclusion that divorce is the only option. But is it really the best solution?

Charlyne and Bob Steinkamp married as any young and in love couple hopefully does, much in love. Unfortunately, after twenty very difficult years of marriage and three young children, Charlyne received pastorial counsel and made the decision to divorce Bob. Fortunately, she very quickly realized she had made a horrible mistake.

Marriages can be restored and marriages can be saved, even after divorce, and it only takes one spouse to recommit to those wedding vows in order to do so. This book can very easily be used as a devotional as it includes scriptural references and suggested prayers, and even an occasional “Bobservation” from her husband to better understand the spouse who wants to call it quits. And most of all Charlyne Steinkamp not only reveals how to heal and restore your marriage not through manipulative tactics, but through your relationship with God.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” Ephesians 5:31-33 (ESV).

Hope you enjoyed reading this post and will consider sharing your thoughts, following me on social media, and subscribing to my blog.

MARRIAGE STANDING

Our Fixing Begins with Me: “Marriage Fitness with Mort Fertel”

March 12, 2020April 1, 2021 taylorjamesalbert

My efforts to work on my ‘fixing’ as Mort Fertel, Marriage Fitness expert, likes to call it, has been rewarding to say the least. There are no shortcuts to a healthy marriage. Those three-easy-steps methods will not do it, certainly not long term anyway. However, it only takes one spouse to make this decision, to stay focused and committed, to believe and dream of the future.

As Mort Fertel has pointed out, it is not a spouse choosing to have an affair that causes marital problems, but it is marital problems which lead a spouse to have an affair. And as Mort also points out, marital problems don’t just all of a sudden happen, but have been brewing for many, many years. Certainly we had the typical relationship issues to figure out as any young couple does. And it is absolutely staggering, all the crazy stuff we have survived during our thirty plus years of marriage. An affair is just one more of those crazy things to work through together.

My initial efforts to work on myself and our marriage led my husband to understandably think I had a selfish plan. Lots of things had been said, misunderstood and repeated. Despite our dysfunctional marriage and family issues, I love my husband and would never leave him. However, all my initial crazymaking attempts to fix our marriage (translation; fix my husband) only led him to fear my rejection.

Despite my husband being the man of my dreams I certainly was not honoring and respecting him as I knew I should. I was no longer the independent college girl who he fell in love with. I wasn’t fun to be with anymore. No, this was not what either of us signed up for when we fell in love and married, dreaming of a life together. And this is exactly why I made the decision to not only work on my “fixing” but to work on healing our marriage.

Why, being so madly in love did we gradually get to where we couldn’t relate, couldn’t really connect anymore? Nothing is right in a person’s world, no matter how much money in the bank, no matter how healthy, no matter how many friends, no matter what, if the most important relationship is not what it should be. Again, I must give Mort credit for this powerfully accurate thought.

So what, an affair is part of our story. Some people go through several affairs before they decide to get off the merry-go-round of rebound relationships and get on home where they know they belong. While I am praying my husband’s affair has ended, I am also preparing for his return. I have no reason to ask details surrounding his time away, only what he feels convicted to share with me. Too many details about his affair will only leave haunting images that serve no productive purpose. Again, thank you, Mort, for teaching us this.

I choose to view my husband’s affair as a major warning sign he was hurting even more than I realized and we were in deeper trouble than what most of those fix-yourself-relationship books could handle (Christian or otherwise). I choose to dig deeper, to work on my own fixing. I choose to forgive and ask forgiveness.

And, I choose to continue to be thankful for my husband who, after all these years, has finally been able to speak out and admit he too is a very emotionally caring person, he too has a very tender heart. What’s not to love about a man such as my husband who is brave enough to admit he is a real man, emotions and all.