BOOK REVIEWS, INSPIRATIONAL, MARRIAGE STANDING

When A Spouse Walks: Charlyne Steinkamp’s “The Spiritual Journey Toward A Healed Marriage”

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The most rewarding yet most challenging relationship one will ever experience is that of being in a monogamous relationship called marriage, especially being committed for life. Charlyne Steinkamp attests to this in her very down to earth book entitled “The Spiritual Journey Toward A Healed Marriage“. Remember the traditional “…to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part…” Christian wedding vows?

Fortunately yet unfortunately, many of us were so giddy in love as we committed to our spouse and to God, sweetly and assuredly, and naively reciting these vows on our wedding day. Fortunately we really had no idea what lay ahead. And, unfortunately, our vows would be tested.

Sadly, life happens. Sadly, we are tested. Do we have the courage to rise to the challenge? Do we take our vows seriously? Are we really committed, ’til death do us part? What do we do when our spouse chooses to walk away?

Whether a couple goes through difficult times remaining married or whether one or both want to call it quits, doesn’t matter. Marriage, even after divorce, can be restored. Charlyne Steinkamp from Rejoice Marriage Ministries speaks from experience.

In her book entitled “The Spiritual Journey Toward a Healed Marriage” Charlyne Steinkamp so revealingly points out how “The church is not able to be the ‘critical care unit’ for the wounded and broken hearts, because divorce is so rampant in the church”. Sadly, this certainly seems to be the case. Granted there are verses found in scripture which make allowance for divorce. And we seem all too quick to jump to the conclusion that divorce is the only option. But is it really the best solution?

Charlyne and Bob Steinkamp married as any young and in love couple hopefully does, much in love. Unfortunately, after twenty very difficult years of marriage and three young children, Charlyne received pastorial counsel and made the decision to divorce Bob. Fortunately, she very quickly realized she had made a horrible mistake.

Marriages can be restored and marriages can be saved, even after divorce, and it only takes one spouse to recommit to those wedding vows in order to do so. This book can very easily be used as a devotional as it includes scriptural references and suggested prayers, and even an occasional “Bobservation” from her husband to better understand the spouse who wants to call it quits. And most of all Charlyne Steinkamp not only reveals how to heal and restore your marriage not through manipulative tactics, but through your relationship with God.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” Ephesians 5:31-33 (ESV).

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Good Shame: Paul Hegstrom’s “Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them”

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Lately I have been spending a bit of time trying to come to terms with the definitions of guilt and shame and just exactly how they are different. In my recent post entitled “Shame” I mention in his book entitled “Angry Men and The Women Who Love Them” Paul Hegstrom states the difference between the two is that “Guilt is about your behavior. Shame is about you”. Shame attacks the person and damages the heart, often permanently.

Several years ago I remember reading a Parade Magazine article by Dr. Joyce Brothers entitled “Shame May Not Be So Bad After All” where she discussed the concepts of guilt and shame. Up until that point I really had not given either much thought. And, I would have to say I really thought they meant the same thing. Dr. Joyce Brothers pointed out how “Shame became an accepted way of making kids conform to society’s standards while ignoring the bad feelings it could inflict”.

We have all heard those horror stories of how a mean old teacher from days gone by purposely embarrassed a student in front of his classmates, causing public humiliation, thus assuring said behavior would not ever occur again. In her article Dr. Joyce Brothers made reference to probably the most famous and one of the most horrific experiences that could have happened. And certainly such tactics worked well, not only causing shame but fear in the fellow classmates, fear of the same humiliation should they be caught in a similar embarrassing situation in the near future.

She also pointed out “Shame seems to be even more powerful than guilt, though the two emotions are linked.” So what is the real difference between guilt and shame? Guilt is realizing “that you have done something wrong”. Okay, this makes sense. And shame then “is feeling that there’s something wrong about you.” And this is why using shame is damaging . Shame is meant to humiliate to emotionally control. Shame does not teach and instruct but destroys the self-esteem while creating fear.

Remember a major part of rearing children is that of instructing and disciplining in order to develop their character and behavior. I think guilt is a driving force behind character building and integrity, guilt is what properly handled punishment is all about. Guilt as Dr. Joyce Brothers pointed out is “Good Shame” as it “is an experience that is instructive”. In other words it is teaching a child to take responsibility, to feel responsible for their behavior, it encourages the person to want to do good and become a better person. It is to teach the child to be responsible for their behavior and how there are consequences when they are not. It encourages realizing the need to try harder to change for the better. Even as adults we need correcting and instruction as these are beneficial to our learning and growing and improving ourselves. Rules are an essential part of society to make life as fair as is possible for all involved.

The real difference between guilt and shame is that of not humiliating but lovingly uplifting and truly wanting to help improve the character of the person. It all comes down to the intentions, well meant or not. Good shame or guilt says hey, you can do better and let me help you understand how.

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BOOK REVIEWS

Shame: Paul Hegstrom’s “Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them”

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Maybe this issue of understanding the difference between shame and guilt is a much bigger problem than it was in my upbringing. I must say thank you to my grandparents and especially to my dad & mother for being such good parents. The longer I live life the more I am realizing just how fortunate I am in that I truly did have an emotionally loving and extremely stable upbringing. And I am realizing more and more just how devastating and difficult the struggle can be for others who did not.

Too, I have come to realize those with the deepest wounds are often the best at covering them up and pretending they have it all together, that others have problems and not them. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Truth be told, such individuals are in intense emotional pain and fear there is no hope, but there is, there really, really is. Taken from personal experience “Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical and Emotional Abuse” was written by Paul Hegstrom.

Paul Hegstrom states “Shame is a perception that locks me into a belief system that says, ‘I’m bad, I’m wrong, I’m no good.’ It comes out of a tendency toward perfectionism and leads to the expectation of rejection, rigidity, and despair. When I operate from a shame-based worldview, my value is buried under my dysfunctions, fears, anxieties, behaviors, mistakes, imperfections, rejections, feelings, powerlessness and sins. I am satisfied with nothing less than perfection. I live on a performance basis and place unrealistic expectations on my partner and those around me as well as myself. No matter what I do, I feel I’m never good enough. Shame and rage are interactive-where there is rage there is shame. Rage comes from helplessness. It hides shame. Rage keeps a person from being exposed. It is isolating and disconnecting”.

Forgive me for so heavily quoting the author, however I am hoping his words, carrying so much more value than my own, will effect a heart change in others, and if need be, in your heart as well.

I am in total agreement with Paul Hegstrom when he points out how an adult who was shamed as a child”…fears punishment, abandonment, and rejection. He…feels overly responsible for circumstances”. All the more this explains why these adults seem to try so hard, come up short, exhausted and angry so much of the time. And why they want to hope but fear hopelessness, why they live in pain and rage.

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Christian Gentleman: A Fine Man Indeed!

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I met my wonderful husband nearly thirty-eight years ago. Rereading letters my grandmother wrote to me while I was away at college makes it feel so fresh in my mind. Falling in love is amazing!

In one letter she writes “Then the most rewarding and most wonderful of all, in your last year of college-Darrin, comes into your life. I’m sure every girl dreams of just the ‘right man’ and I’m sure every mother, grandmother, and special friends also hope and pray for just the ‘right man’ to come into their special child’s life, special-as you girls have been to me-and I do thank God for Darrin in your life. You are both very special young people-When I got a letter that went something like this “Darrin has so many fine qualities-and none of the other guys I’ve dated can even compare to him!” I thought “I think this is it”-and then I came to know him-how wonderful it all is. God watches over and guides those He loves-you know”.

She continues “I’m sure there are many girls in the world who wish they had what you have-Nothing is more wonderful in a woman’s life than knowing she has the love and respect of a fine man-May sound queer for an old woman of seventy-four to say, but that I believe and know from experience; my mother always said a woman who was not “what she should be” had ruined the life of many a man. And I am happy in the fact that you do love and respect Darrin so much and that is good! He is what I call a “Christian Gentleman” and that covers about everything, and you are a beautiful girl, I mean character, habits, thoughts, etc.,…I am so proud of both of you-you both seem mature which is a quality I like”.

What more can I say? My husband is the most amazing and wonderful man I know. And I agree with my grandmother referring to him as being a “Christian Gentleman”. A fine man indeed!

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JUST A SIP

Worry-Free Faith

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Billy Graham retells the story of a little girl who was a passenger on a plane in which her daddy was one of the pilots. During the night the stewardess woke the little girl as the plane began to experience turbulence while crossing the Atlantic Ocean, requiring her to put on her seat belt. The little girl asked the stewardess if her daddy was at the controls. Yes, the stewardess responded, he was in the cockpit. The little girl smiled and peacefully returned to her sleeping.

This is what it is to trust in our Heavenly Father through turbulent times in our own lives. This is worry-free faith.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths” Proverbs 3:5-6 (KJV).

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My Grandmother’s Protective Love

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While Grandma, being my mother’s mother, seemed to worry about her two grown children and us six grandchildren, it certainly was understandable. Grandma lost her first baby while giving birth.

It was during the Great Depression. She and Grandpa had met, fallen in love, and married. Mother once mentioned, while of course it was never discussed, how her parents might have had to get married. Whether this is true or not, we may never know and honestly find it irrelevant. They were in love and lived very happily together for over fifty years. My aunt (who I am blessed to share middle names with not only her, but with my grandmother) was my grandmother’s first of three children.

While I chose to give birth at home, it was simply the norm when my grandmother gave birth. And, while I chose to go through my pregnancy and birth of our precious baby boy without any medication or ultrasounds, my grandmother also experienced the same. Many details of my grandmother’s three pregnancies will forever be unknown. Yet the death of her first baby will forever remain in my heart.

I remember my family visiting my grandparents one Sunday afternoon, something we always looked forward to. This particular Sunday afternoon was no different. I was about seven or eight years old at the time. We loved going upstairs in their old farmhouse, visiting the mysteries still tucked away in my mother’s and uncle’s long forgotten bedrooms. Grandpa would occasionally open up a very large and very old trunk in which he kept such things as postcards and photos from long ago, bringing them downstairs for all to see. This afternoon he showed us a photo of a newborn baby in a tiny little casket. And this was the afternoon we children learned we had an aunt, my grandmother’s first child.

It wasn’t an awkward or dark discussion, but warm and peaceful. I felt nothing but love for my grandparents and for her, this aunt whom I very quickly came to love. It just seemed an appropriate time for my grandparents to introduce us children to a family member we had not yet met. Granted it would be years before Mother would share more details of her older sister’s birth and passing, a sister she and my uncle never met, a sister nonetheless.

Having given birth to a beautiful baby boy, my Mother’s Day baby, and then many years later, losing our precious daughter in miscarriage, I have often wondered just how my grandmother dealt with the loss of her first baby. I also can’t help but wonder how she felt with her pregnancies and births of my uncle and my mother. Her seeming to be a bit of a worrier when it came to her adult children and us grandchildren makes so much sense now. I wouldn’t consider it a case of her being a worrier, but of her knowing the loss of a child causing her to be a bit more protective of the rest of us, knowing how precious each child is and how fragile life can be. I would call it a grandmother’s protective love.

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MARRIAGE STANDING

Our Fixing Begins with Me: “Marriage Fitness with Mort Fertel”

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My efforts to work on my ‘fixing’ as Mort Fertel, Marriage Fitness expert, likes to call it, has been rewarding to say the least. There are no shortcuts to a healthy marriage. Those three-easy-steps methods will not do it, certainly not long term anyway. However, it only takes one spouse to make this decision, to stay focused and committed, to believe and dream of the future.

As Mort Fertel has pointed out, it is not a spouse choosing to have an affair that causes marital problems, but it is marital problems which lead a spouse to have an affair. And as Mort also points out, marital problems don’t just all of a sudden happen, but have been brewing for many, many years. Certainly we had the typical relationship issues to figure out as any young couple does. And it is absolutely staggering, all the crazy stuff we have survived during our thirty plus years of marriage. An affair is just one more of those crazy things to work through together.

My initial efforts to work on myself and our marriage led my husband to understandably think I had a selfish plan. Lots of things had been said, misunderstood and repeated. Despite our dysfunctional marriage and family issues, I love my husband and would never leave him. However, all my initial crazymaking attempts to fix our marriage (translation; fix my husband) only led him to fear my rejection.

Despite my husband being the man of my dreams I certainly was not honoring and respecting him as I knew I should. I was no longer the independent college girl who he fell in love with. I wasn’t fun to be with anymore. No, this was not what either of us signed up for when we fell in love and married, dreaming of a life together. And this is exactly why I made the decision to not only work on my “fixing” but to work on healing our marriage.

Why, being so madly in love did we gradually get to where we couldn’t relate, couldn’t really connect anymore? Nothing is right in a person’s world, no matter how much money in the bank, no matter how healthy, no matter how many friends, no matter what, if the most important relationship is not what it should be. Again, I must give Mort credit for this powerfully accurate thought.

So what, an affair is part of our story. Some people go through several affairs before they decide to get off the merry-go-round of rebound relationships and get on home where they know they belong. While I am praying my husband’s affair has ended, I am also preparing for his return. I have no reason to ask details surrounding his time away, only what he feels convicted to share with me. Too many details about his affair will only leave haunting images that serve no productive purpose. Again, thank you, Mort, for teaching us this.

I choose to view my husband’s affair as a major warning sign he was hurting even more than I realized and we were in deeper trouble than what most of those fix-yourself-relationship books could handle (Christian or otherwise). I choose to dig deeper, to work on my own fixing. I choose to forgive and ask forgiveness.

And, I choose to continue to be thankful for my husband who, after all these years, has finally been able to speak out and admit he too is a very emotionally caring person, he too has a very tender heart. What’s not to love about a man such as my husband who is brave enough to admit he is a real man, emotions and all.

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Blessings!

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JUST A SIP

Your True Value

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Do you focus on building your self-esteem or recognizing your true value being God-esteemed?

“But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.”

~~~I Samuel 16:7 (KJV)~~~

“But the Lord said to Samuel, ‘Don’t judge by a man’s face or height, for this is not the one. I don’t make decisions the way you do! Men judge by outward appearance, but I look at a man’s thoughts and intentions.’”

~~~1 Samuel 16:7 (TLB)~~~

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Blessings!

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Impressioning: My Mother

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I was rummaging through old cards and letters I didn’t even realize my parents still had. I came upon a letter I had written to Mother on her birthday. I really don’t remember writing this letter. I do however, remember being single and a college student at the time.

I have read and reread this letter over the last couple days. I’ve shed many tears, tears being released by all the memories which are coming back to me. And I wanted to share what I wrote to her with you. Many of you are blessed to have such a mother. Many of you may not be. Please remember though, we all have the potential to be this type of mother. It may not be to our own children even, but there is someone out there who surely is in need of your mothering, your unconditional love. Enjoy!

Dear Mother, There aren’t enough opportunities to express the thoughts that occur in the passing of my day. But as I struggle to mature into the person whom you, Dad, and God desire me, I find myself ‘impressioning’ a very beautiful person-that person is you. When you were my age, I was only occurring. Being a mother is very special and my ultimate goal is to be a good mother and wife and I know that I will look back at the manner in which you and Dad reared us. For now though, the Lord is leading me elsewhere, I only pray that I am interpreting his will correctly. His will is all I desire. My life is so confusing, I become frightened, and goof thing up. I wonder how and WHY God would use me-or even want to use me!! But I look at Moses, for one and how doubtful he was. God certainly used him. Life is difficult to understand, but having a Christian home and family is something I am thankful for and do find a security in. Never change, just keep getting better! And pray for me. I know you don’t always agree with the ways I do things, but take those things with a grain of salt. Mother, I just want to wish you a very Happy Birthday and thank you for being someone whom I can impression myself after. Love you always.

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